I seem to have left my pride at pride
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
