It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if only i could text you this smell
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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