i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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