i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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