Your face is a jimmy john
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
