More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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