Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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