apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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