we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
