i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
