Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
