I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
