alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
