i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize