Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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