my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
