i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
