I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
