my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
