If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
