after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize