guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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