Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
