...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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