No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
