Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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