Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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