You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
