I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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