I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
