Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
