ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
