Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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