its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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