Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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