3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
