just tell him i said nine months
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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