Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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