its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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