True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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