remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
