I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
