he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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