just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
