I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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