I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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