So drunk its hurt
You smell like stripper and shame
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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