Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
