If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
