Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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