Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
