god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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