one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
