you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
