i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
