I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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