based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
