I must be too annoying 4 u.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
