Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
