PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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