just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
