five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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