i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
