I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
