If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
