As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
