just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
