Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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